


always you

by vllvtm



Category: NCT, WAYV
Genre: Best Boyfriend, Henyang, I cried writing this, M/M, Read at Your Own Risk, Sad Ending, Some Fluff, Soulmate AU, This Is Sad, good luck, hendery is sweet and patient, idk how to tag, im so sorry, includes selfharm, yangdery, yangyang has depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:15:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27610564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vllvtm/pseuds/vllvtm
Summary: everyone talks about life before you meet your soulmate, so void of color. they talk about how everything seems to burst and come to life when you meet them, and how the colors gradually become warmer and brighter as time spent with them goes by. but no one ever talks about what happens after.an au in which hendery loses his soulmate, yangyang, far too soon. as the memories of him slowly turn into nothing but blurry, fading pictures in his head, the vibrant colors of the world begin to fade away too.
Relationships: Liu Yang Yang/Wong Kun Hang | Hendery
Comments: 3
Kudos: 23





	always you

**Author's Note:**

> !! trigger warning !!  
> this does include content of self-harm, please read it at your own risk!

hendery loved yangyang, even before they found out they were soulmates. he loved him ever since they were in elementary school. it took him ages to actually work up the courage and confess, which eventually happened one late evening in october of their freshman year in high school. hendery was walking yangyang home that night, and before the boy could turn and walk up the front steps of his house, hendery caught his wrist gently, and as soon as the boy in his grasp turned around and met his eyes, he let all of the feelings he had been bottling up inside for the past five years, finally fall from his lips. yangyang only gave him a warm and fond smile before asking him what took so long. hendery loosened his grip and eventually let go of yangyang, watching, with a smile on his face and a heart the size of the universe in his chest, as the boy he loved disappeared into the warm comfort of his own home. hendery was on cloud 9 for the entire walk back to his own house. 

hendery wanted to ask yangyang out properly. he wanted to take him out to the beach and have a picnic together. so that is exactly what hendery did. he got up early that morning, he made sure he made himself look presentable, or well, as best as he could in his world of black, white and all the shades of gray in between. he packed ingredients to make sandwiches, juices, utensils, plates, and even a few of yangyang’s favorite snacks. he also made sure to grab a few extra blankets and candles for when it gets darker, for he wanted to stay the whole day, just the two of them. once hendery had everything set, he sent yangyang a quick text and then started his walk to the said boy’s house, which was only a measly two blocks away. upon reaching his house, hendery sat his picnic basket and bag full of blankets and candles down next to his feet before shrugging his shoulders. he was nervous. hendery had never been nervous around yangyang before. he shrugged the thought off as he reached his hand up to knock on the dark oak door, his body began to tingle, but he simply ignored it. after a few short moments, the door opened and yangyang stood before him, smiling brightly as always. hendery couldn’t help but smile back at him. he thought yangyang always had a contagious smile. he was like the sun, and everyone around him seemed to bask in the warmth he radiated. the two of them made their short twenty minute walk to the beach as the sun began to climb higher in the sky, warming up the earth beneath it. after they arrived, hendery quickly sat out the blankets and snacks before allowing himself to kick off his shoes and lay back on his forearms. yangyang simply stared down at him, sad he couldn’t see the beautiful colors that were probably swarming around them. yangyang’s thoughts sent a tingling sensation throughout his body, causing him to shiver. hendery noticed, immediately sitting up to ask him if he needed a blanket. yangyang just smiled and shook his head, kicking his shoes off and grabbing one of his favorite snacks before joining hendery on the blanket. the two of them fell into a comfortable silence as they looked over the gray sand and into the darker gray ocean. yangyang took this opportunity to ask hendery a question. a question that asked him how he felt about being with someone that isn't his soulmate, how he felt about never seeing the real colors of the world. hendery didn’t answer for a long time, as if he was trying to piece the words together in the correct way. when he finally looked up to meet yangyang’s innocent and sad gaze, he replied. 

“i believe fate can be altered.”

hendery didn’t give yangyang any time to think or let the words settle in. the boy grabbed him by the hand and took off running towards the water. yangyang yelled in protest as they neared the cool ocean water climbing up the sand, but made no efforts to get away from it. hendery felt genuine happiness flood through him when he turned around to see yangyang smiling brightly, the sun shining on him in the perfect way. he wished he could see just how beautiful the image would be in color. yangyang’s eyes met his in that very moment, the same tingling sensation coursing throughout his body. he did his best to hide it, fearing he would concern yangyang, but little did he know, yangyang felt it too. the two of them quickly dismissed the feeling as the waves splashed up on their legs, catching them off guard. yangyang looked over at hendery, smiling, letting go of his hand to jump in. hendery simply watched him, he watched as the gray water crashed into the smaller boy, pushing him forward. the only thing hendery could think of was the word love. he loved spending time with him. he loved being there for him, taking care of him. he loved doing things with him. he loved him. hendery loved yangyang. the boy in the water was oblivious to hendery’s thoughts, as he continued to swim and splash around in the cold gray water. eventually yangyang called for him to join him, hendery laughed as he shook his head and backed away from the approaching wave. yangyang was laughing too as he jumped out of the water and grabbed him in a wet hug, pulling him backwards into the water, the both of them disappearing underneath the water. when they resurfaced, they were still laughing, which soon subsided into small giggles as hendery took yangyang’s hand in his and intertwined their fingers. yangyang looked up at him, his eyes shimmering. neither of them bothered to say anything, they just enjoyed the moment together. 

~

months passed and hendery soon realized he loved even more things about yangyang after moving in and sharing a small apartment with him. he loved to cuddle with him, he loved the way his smaller frame fit against his. he loved tracing circles into his back as they laid on hendery’s bed and watched movies. he loved the way his heart thumped in his chest when yangyang giggled at something he heard on tv, sending the vibrations through his body, sparking that tingling sensation inside of him and sending it through and up his spine. he loved the way yangyang’s chest would steadily rise and fall as he peacefully slept next to him. he loved waking up to yangyang peppering his face with little kisses. he loved the way his heart would swell when he thought of spending the rest of his life with him.

to yangyang, hendery was his lifeline. his rock. the only way he was able to feel like he was actually living. hendery would never know that. yangyang feared worrying him. he feared telling hendery about the monsters in his head, the ones that told him how worthless and pathetic he was. the ones that told him he was holding hendery back from experiencing life how he should see and live it, full of color and warmth. yangyang feared that hendery would find out and leave him. he was selfish, though. he wanted to hold on to hendery just a little longer, he wanted to make it to the day they said they loved each other. he was holding on to hendery’s words, hoping and praying that fate would change, that it would let them both see the world in color together. the monsters, though, they only grew stronger as the colorless days passed by. 

as hendery slept, yangyang laid there in his arms, studying every last feature of his face, letting the image of him be burnt into his memory forever. he never wanted to forget him. he took note of how his long dark eyelashes fell peacefully over his cheekbones. how his lips parted slightly as he slept. he absorbed the feeling of hendery’s arms wrapped tightly around him, as if he was afraid to let go. afraid he’d never get to hold him again if he did. yangyang’s eyes blurred at the thought of leaving him. the sniffle left him before he could catch it. the sound worried hendery out of his slumber, his sleepy eyes immediately landing on yangyang, full of worry. he sat up and pulled the younger into his arms, rubbing circles into his warm skin underneath his sleep shirt. yangyang couldn’t hold it in and continued to cry into hendery’s chest, staining his shirt with salty tears that never seemed to slow. when yangyang pulled away from him, hendery didn’t say anything. he didn't pressure yangyang into talking about it. Instead, he brought his hands up to cup his face, wiping his tears away with his thumbs. yangyang looked up at him with glossy eyes. the tingling was back, even stronger. hendery smiled sweetly as he moved his thumb against his cheek again. yangyang loved him. yangyang needed him to know it. he couldn’t hold it back. his hands found the hem of hendery’s shirt, he held on as tight as he could and closed his eyes.

“i love you.”

silence. yangyang kept his eyes closed, fearing what he would see if he opened them. hendery was unmoving, his hands remained on either side of his face. yangyang felt the tears welling up behind his eyelids. his head dropped, eyes still closed.

“yangyang,” hendery whispered, “yangyang, baby, please look at me.” he sounded like the air had been knocked out of him. yangyang sniffled once more before he looked up to meet his lover’s eyes. brown. yangyang felt like he couldn’t breathe. hendery’s eyes were brown. how he knew that, he didn’t know. 

“h-hendery?” yangyang managed to choke out, his eyes never leaving his. hendery smiled, his lips were a rosy pink, his skin was fair, his hair was black. yangyang’s tears fell as he realized. 

hendery wasn’t able to hold his tears back either. after yangyang had said those three words, his world was instantly painted in color. yangyang. his yangyang. the boy who he saw everyday in all the different shades of gray, was sitting before him with messy brown hair, beautiful brown eyes, honey skin, pink lips and rose tinted cheeks. 

“i love you, too.”

~

as more days and months passed, the colors got brighter and yangyang got happier. the monsters in his head weren’t as loud. hendery took him everywhere, gasping together as they saw everything in color for the first time. his favorite was the beach. the place hendery took them on their first date. yangyang was in awe at the sight of the water. the deep blue was mesmerising. he began to collect seashells, making sure they were all different colors. hendery smiled as he watched him, taking in the beautiful sight all over again, this time though, he felt like he could breathe. and in that moment, hendery realized that yangyang was his everything. he started taking pictures of anything and everything he possibly could, so, that’s exactly what he did in that very moment. he pulled his camera out and snapped a quick picture of his boyfriend, who was squatting down, holding a seashell in his hand as he smiled up at hendery to show him the newest item he was going to add to his little collection. 

hendery kept the photos he took in a photobook. he took so many he ended up with two books. sometimes, the two of them would lay in bed or on the couch and just flip through the pages, giggling at the different kinds of photos hendery had taken. yangyang managed to take a few pictures of hendery after sneakily stealing his camera. he had taken a picture of hendery as he was baking, he was concentrating as he was kneading the dough on the marble counter, flour all over him. another one he had taken was when hendery was sitting on their balcony as the sun was setting. the sun had casted a golden glow over him, he was playing his guitar. his long black hair was fallen over his eyes but his mouth was curled up into a smile, yangyang knew he caught him. moments after yangyang had captured the photo, hendery rose from his seat and sat his guitar down before running over to yangyang and tackling him into the fluffy white sheets of their bed, the sound of their shared giggles bouncing off the walls as they rolled around. that was yangyang’s favorite photo. 

~

they’ve had many dates since their first, yangyang’s favorite was the amusement park. they were on one of the rollercoasters when hendery realized he didn’t like heights. during the entire ride, hendery had his arm linked with yangyang’s, and his face buried into the side of his neck with his eyes squeezed shut. yangyang was unable to quit laughing, even after they got off the ride. they made their way around the park, getting cotton candy and their pictures taken. this elderly couple had spoken to them after they shared a quick kiss by the fountain, telling them that their love was pure and beautiful and that they were lucky to have each other. hendery had thanked them as yangyang hid his rosy cheeks behind his boyfriends shoulder. 

when they returned home that night, worn out from their long and busy day, yangyang treated hendery to a nice relaxing bubble bath. he lit candles for him, he placed rose petals in the hot water, he sprinkled epsom salt in amongst the bubbles, and last but not least, he turned on a calming playlist. he walked out into the bedroom and smiled sweetly at his boyfriend who was clicking through the pictures he took at the amusement park. he approached him from behind, wrapping his arms loosely around his torso, resting his cheek against his shoulder. hendery hummed happily as he felt the familiar body press against him. after a few short moments, he put his camera down and turned around, wrapping his own arms around the smaller boy. 

“i ran a bath for you,” yangyang hummed, “if you wait too long, the water will get cold.”

hendery let out a small chuckle as he pulled away from him, running his hands down his arms before intertwining his fingers with yangyang’s. 

“join me,” hendery said, his voice low but light as he slowly swung their interlocked hands from side to side. yangyang looked up to meet his eyes, nodding as his lips stretched into a small smile across his face. 

~

yangyang didn’t know when the bad feelings returned. he wasn’t sure why they did in the first place. he thought he was happy now. he was with his soulmate, he could see the world in color, he wasn’t holding hendery back. or was he? yangyang began to doubt himself. he wondered if he was truly good enough for hendery. he wondered if there was someone out there who could possibly give him more than what he has now. he wondered if someone could make him happier. yangyang lay awake several nights repeating the same questions over and over again in his head, as the boy he loved more than life itself, laid next to him, his chest steadily rising and falling as he surrendered into a peaceful sleep. yangyang snuggled closer to him, tucking his head underneath his chin. hendery, although asleep, automatically responded to him, pulling him in closer, holding him tightly. yangyang pushed the thoughts away as he focused on hendery’s heartbeat, slowly lulling him to sleep. 

days later, yangyang found himself distancing himself from hendery. he tensed when he touched him, he flinched when he reached out for him. his heart ached when he saw the worry and hurt in his eyes. hendery didn’t do anything wrong. yangyang wished he could tell him that. he wished he could hold his face and kiss him, hug him. but the monsters were back, and they were telling him that hendery would be happier without him. that he would find someone new, someone better. they started telling him how ugly and gross he was. yangyang started believing them. 

as the days went by and the voices in his head got stronger, yangyang got weaker. he quit eating, sleeping. he began taking the anger out on himself, leaving angry red lines on his arms and thighs. he hid them from hendery, of course. hendery. his hendery. he was scared and worried, yangyang could tell, could see it. could feel it. he felt his chest tighten and his eyes sting as the tears started gathering upon seeing hendery asleep on the couch. he quietly approached the sleeping boy, gently laying a blanket over him. he wanted to wake him up, to help him back to bed where they would lay down and tangle their limbs together under the fluffy white blankets, but he couldn’t. shouldn’t. 

~ 

hendery started wondering where everything went wrong. why yangyang had started distancing himself. he wanted to hold him and ask him what was wrong, but every time he got too close, his boyfriend flinched and shrunk away, leaving to lock himself in the hallway bathroom for hours at a time. hendery didn’t want to scare him, so he didn’t force himself upon him. he was waiting for yangyang to come to him, to open up on his own terms. he missed him. he missed him terribly. he couldn’t sleep in their shared bed anymore, the space was too big and empty for him to be there by himself, so he moved to the couch. he wanted his yangyang back. 

eventually, hendery was able to sit down next to yangyang, outside on the balcony. yangyang’s favorite picture of hendery was held between his two skinny fingers, yangyang’s salty tears falling onto it. hendery didn’t speak, he hardly even glanced up at his boyfriend. he didn’t want him to run away. he waited for yangyang to speak first. he never did. instead, yangyang sniffled and looked up from hendery in the photo, to the real life hendery sitting next to him. hendery noticed the movement and glanced up to meet his beautiful brown eyes, swimming in tears. hendery felt the burn of his own forming, threatening to spill. yangyang opened his mouth to speak, but hendery shook his head, a small on his lips to comfort him, to tell him it’s okay, that he doesn’t need to talk. tangyang’s head dropped as he let all the tears spill over and fall into his lap. hendery slowly held out his hand, silently hoping and praying yangyang would take it, would touch him again. yangyang started moving and hendery thought he was going to get up and leave him again. instead, yangyang grabbed his hand and stood up, walking in front of him before lowering himself onto hendery’s lap, straddling him like a small child. hendery’s breath stuttered in his throat as a sob threatened to escape him. he tentatively let go of yangyang’s hand to bring his arms up around him, pulling him in closer. 

“i’m so sorry, hen,” yangyang whispered, he sounded broken, unfixable, and hendery didn’t know why. he felt useless. his yangyang was hurting and there was nothing he could do to help him. hendery shook his head, bringing his hands up to cup the younger’s face. he pulled him away from him, not too far, but just enough so they could see each other's eyes. 

“no baby, don’t apologize. never apologize, okay?” hendery smiled at him. he was happy to have him back in his arms, even if it was just for the moment. 

“i want to tell you, i just don’t know how. i don’t know if i can,” 

hendery just nodded and pulled him back into his chest, one arm wrapped firmly around him while his other hand rubbed up and down his back, “it’s okay baby, you can talk when you’re ready. i’m not going anywhere.”

~

yangyang talked to him. he let everything out later that night, in the early hours of the morning. hendery cried. he cried as he kissed over every cut and scar that littered his body. he cried as he kissed him for the first time in weeks. he cried as he held him, refusing to let go. yangyang cried too. not for himself, but for hendery. he cried because he had caused his lover to suffer. he hurt him in ways he would never forgive himself for. 

yangyang let himself let hendery back in. he needed hendery and hendery needed him. but, that didn’t mean the monsters went away. they accompanied yangyang every single day. hendery was always there to block them out, to help yangyang ignore them. it worked until they went to sleep. then, yangyang would lay there with his thoughts as hendery slept peacefully. 

the guilt continuously ate at yangyang. the guilt that he felt for making hendery suffer the way he did. yangyang continued to take it out on himself, he continued until he no longer could. on the bathroom floor underneath the window, the moon hidden behind the crying clouds, yangyang sat slumped against the wall. the razor he had been using, now bloody and on the tile a few inches away from his limp hand. 

as he began slipping out of his consciousness, the door to the bathroom was thrown open. yangyang didn’t need to look up to know who it was. the pain and guilt started to fill up inside of him again, as if the floodgates were suddenly opened without warning. hendery was down on the floor next to him, carefully pulling him into his lap. he had already wrapped a towel around yangyang’s arm and lifted above his head, to stop the deep cuts from bleeding out any more than they already had. he moved yangyang’s head to rest against his chest. yangyang could feel his quickened heartbeat and sharp inhales has he tried to control his sobs. he had his phone pressed to his ear, spilling out words that yangyang couldn’t fully understand. his eyes started feeling heavy. hendery dropped the phone after his rambling stopped, using his free hand to hold yangyang’s head closer to him. 

“it’s okay yang, i love you, it’s okay,” he said carefully. his tears fell and landed in yangyang’s soft brown hair. 

“i’m sorry. i’m so sorry,” yangyang tried to speak, but it only came out in a weak whisper, “i love you, hendery, please never forget it.” 

hendery held him tighter, he pleaded him to hold on just a little longer. he prayed to all of the gods he could think of, to let him keep his yangyang, to heal him quickly. his desperate cries only got louder as yangyang’s soft breathing could no longer be felt against him. when yangyang’s bloody hand that was tightened around his own, fell limp in his fingers. when his beautiful brown eyes closed for the last time. when the vibrant colors of the world suddenly became dim.

hendery refused to let go.

~

hendery returned to the beach a week later. he sat in the sand and looked out over the ocean, reminiscing. thinking of all the dates he and yangyang had here. how it was their place. hendery let the tears fall freely. he missed him. he needed him. he didn’t know how he was going to go on without him. hendery pulled his knees to his chest, dropping his head into his arms, letting his painful sobs rack through his entire body. no one passing by spared a glance. they knew the young boy with black hair and a pretty smile only ever visited the beach with his lover, another young boy, smaller and younger but with a smile equally as pretty as the one who looked at him as if he were the entire universe. 

the vibrant colors that he once saw, faded a little more each day. the pretty colors of the sunset went back to being dull. he couldn’t see the beautiful yellow of yangyang’s favorite hoodie that he used to wear. the deep blue ocean he used to love and adore, faded back into a dark gray. hendery could only think of how much the void and lifeless colors of the world, matched how he now felt. empty, without meaning.

**Author's Note:**

> this is a little sad i'm sorry  
> also my first fic in a long time so like,, let me know your thoughts?  
> i might make some more, who knows


End file.
